Another Bitch Slap to Femme Sex and Womanism

Just when I thought it was safe to go back to the movies again, former Baywatch episode director Rick Jacobson** kicks another homocapitalizing, feminism killing, commodity femme piece of bullshit. Before all you femmeists, feminists and womanists start getting comfy in the idea of the “new breed “ of woman hating bullshit, apparently the old guard is alive and well. As much as I can appreciate a patriarch just coming right out about his love of plastic, airbrushed, cartoon women can dykes really continue to support a movie that bills ITSELF as

““Bitch Slap” is a modern throwback to the “B” Movie/Exploitation Films of the 1950s-70s, mixing hot girls, fast cars, big guns, nasty tongues, outrageous action and jaw-dropping eye candy with a message … don’t be naughty! “Cult Classic” and “Cinematic Masterpiece” barely encompasses this cat-fighting, girl-banging, pile driving, go-go dancing, bronco-busting, bumping and grinding, philosophy-touting, breast-augmenting, femme-tastic f%@#-fest-fight-fantasy of epic proportions. “Bitch Slap” — You know you want it!”?

This is perhaps the most easily deconstructable movie trailer ever, rife with random and ill fitting “chick on bitch” *grunt grunt scratch balls* action, needless titty shots (because what is a woman without her bouncy bouncy rack?) and of course, a wet motherfucking t-shirt competition.

The movie revolves around “three bad girls…a stripper, a drug runner and a corporate mogul” Hmmm…so there are two pasty (I mean alabaster) white characters and WOC named…Camero (yes like the piece of shit car parked in my g-ma’s backyard) played by America Olivo . OMFG I wonder who the drug runner is! Is it the white chick in the front wearing the gold foil? Please also notice that even in the poster they are all holding makeshift phalluses, just so any manguybrodude knows on sight that while there is HOT babe on chick on girl action (im sure in tender slow motion to emphasizes the boob jigglidge) in the movie all of these tasty ladies are still on the penis market and they love the cock!

Manguybrodude in Chief (Director Rick Jacobson) had his film billed as “Grindhouse done right”. Please excuse me while I puke up a hammer to smash the patriarchy with but can you do Grindhouse right without a time machine* to make sure that evil little flick never saw the light of day in the first place. I mean, when the best thing that you can say about your movie is that it features “a trio of beautiful, well endowed women loaded up with assault weaponry” it doesn’t exactly sound like you remade the Sankofa trilogy.

* personally I would rather said time machine be used to separate Quentin T.’s parents before they ever created that slur spewing cosmic turd of a man*

** I cried a little when I found out this man made episodes of Xena Warrior Princess, but it explains so much.

***babe on chick action is a term (coined by Clone High) that refers to the way that female bodied folks (often femmes) fucking each other is looked at because of the male gaze

Disarming White Woman Tears

Interestingly, I attend (on money sucked out of the pockets of the trust funds of hipsters and hippies) one of the most expensive colleges in the U. S. of A. Hampshire College specializes in taking children of the finest boarding schools, private, and Montessori (with the occasional public school kid) and sculpting them into a self-righteous ball of idealistic dreaminess. Of course, that’s the upside of attending a school like this. The downsides include but are not limited to; intense classism, a very obvious divide between rich students and the few poor students, not acknowledging class in regards to race, an overpowering sense of white entitlement to all causes they throw daddy’s money at and VERY FEW PEOPLE OF COLOR IN GENERAL. The number at my school is estimated to be something like 14 percent. I think that this number is greatly exaggerated for many reasons that this post is not about, but it does contribute to the prevalent idea that white folks called “white allies” must be involved in all the day to day dealings of people of color.

Defining a white ally is difficult by any standard but at Hampshire, it mostly just means “very good white friend or lover who never ever says ‘nigger’ out loud to me unless their telling a joke or singing gangsta rap.” This definition is the main one used to determine which white people are allowed in POC spaces and in conversations concerning race. Now, personally, I think the whole concept is a pile of shit, white people ain’t changed so much that I believe that they even KNOW HOW to help my black ass. Who teaches regular white people to be white allies? If its POC I beg the question of why we would teach white folks anything, I have never felt obligated to teach a white person anything, and if its White folks, then damned if they’re going to learn anything. This is not to say that I don’t have any white friends that I really love, I just don’t think my love is enough to make them not racists.

Anyway, I recently had a run in with a self appointed ally who “high mindedly” intercepted a fairly civil conversation among POC about the role of Blackface in modern popular culture. In all caps and in a very typical white woman way, she descended upon a conversation her white ass admitted to not having read, and proceeded to use incorrect parallelism and reverse racism theory to attempt of justify her written disarming white woman tears. If you are not familiar with disarming white woman tears click here to see the urban dictionary definition (recently submitted by myself) or see below

Disarming White Woman Tears [n]

When a white female bodied person realizes that what they said was blatantly racist and begins to panic, defend said statement and cry until she has garnered sympathy and pity for her plight purely by virtue of social love of milky white skin and the ideal of white barbie womanhood

ex: white woman: i say the n word all the time because it makes me closer to black people.
poc: thats pretty racist
white woman: i cant be racist! Im a lesbian! *insert disarming white woman tears*

I understand the need for white anti-racist work, but I think white folks who do anti-racist work need to drop the self aggrandizing title of ally without any *non-academic* general public conversation about unpacking white privilege. Yes, I am well aware that there have been many books about unpacking the knapsack but there needs to be a television show, a pamphlet, something to tell all these quick to cry racist white grrls to keep their oppressive tears in the pasty white faces.

Fashion Forward Feminism? *Chuckles Heartily*

“Does she even know she’s a girl?” Stacy on WNTW

So my bucketloads of free time have yielded yet another interesting hobby; watching fashion shows on TLC. Am I proud of this fact? No. Do they come on enough that it fills up all of the free spots in my day that aren’t eaten by food or blogs or my bosses elliptical machine? Why yes, yes they do. The most odious of these shows in my mind, more disgusting than even 10 years younger, a show that puts women in a glass box and allows onlookers to express exactly what aspects of the patriarchal beauty imperative they can adhere to if they want their faces, breasts and… wait, women don’t have any other parts anyway, right? Yes, the only show that I find more insidious than that is a program that is dubiously called self help, What Not To Wear.

Sure, the show is about as addictive as crystal meth, and the prospect of getting 5000 dollars to shop in New York sounds like an orgasm waiting to unleash itself upon me but the INSANE amounts of gender bias, heterosexism, and racism always shines through just enough to make my fingers curl into a Spritzhead beating fist. For those who are not familiar with the show, it involves a team of pornifing fashion consultants, hairdressers and makeup artist who take an “unattractive” ugly duckling who doesn’t even have the sense to make sure that all of their clothes are picked out by a jury of their peers into a “beautiful” and thoroughly pornified sex object.

As if strict adherence to the secretive rules of the beauty imperative were not enough to damn the show in my bitter, bitter, hateful little eyes, Stacy and Clinton (the shows hosts) consistently tell women who may very well not own a mini pencil skirt, backbreakingly high heels, or some other sort of “girl” coded clothing that they must not know that they are indeed “girls”. That’s right, the idea that women can age out of the beauty imperative is no longer valid, so look out dyke auntie the botox brigade is comin’ for that ass! Most notably for me was the episode (to my knowledge there is only one) where they have an out lesbian on the show. They proceed to tell her how to get an hourglass figure which of course she wants to know because she’s a “girl”. Exactly when do “girls” become women, might I ask? A better question seems to have been asked by the professor “what if we didn’t expect women to look like girls and girls to look like women?”

Now, yes, I am indeed a big black dyke, but am I anti-fashion? Ok, yes, who am I kidding, I do hate fashion as a woman killing merchant of death industry that promotes eating disorders and broken ankles by using waif thin women on stilts (stilts which I now own, the patriarchy affects us all) while telling them to look 7 and a half by hook or by crook. I suppose shows like this worry me because expanding the beauty imperative to all women eliminates the little pockets of safety from the beauty brigade that existed (i.e. age, lesbianism, membership of the academe, radical feminism) and the new virus says that this is no longer the case.